One of the ways that John Gottman says people talk themselves out of their marriages is “rehearsing distress-maintaining attributions” in between arguments. That is, instead of making up stories about how their troubles are passing and circumstantial, they make up stories about how their troubles have to do with permanent flaws in their partner’s character. Over time, this version of the story solidifies and they reinterpret the entire history of the relationship using that filter.
This is another of Gottman’s gendered findings; it is mostly a problem because the men (in heterosexual marriages, at least) do it. It’s a problem when women do it, too, they just don’t tend to as much.
The alternative to rehearsing distress-maintaining attributions is rehearsing relationship-enhancing attributions, and this is exactly what Gottman found that the people in marriages that ended up happy and stable did. It’s probably a good idea, then, to practice rehearsing relationship-enhancing attributions if you can. Try thinking about the strengths of your relationship, good times, things you are proud of, ways that current conflict is passing and circumstantial. If that is difficult to do, think instead about couples counseling. If you want to keep your relationship, you probably need help.
March 3, 2011 at 7:52 am
Excellent advice!
March 3, 2011 at 7:58 am
Mental discipline is crucial. Stop those endless looping “tapes” that remind you of things you don’t like, and start feeling good again. There are much better things to think.
March 3, 2011 at 10:27 am
Maybe I don’t understand the context completely, but isn’t this a bit like saying “just look on the bright side”?
In many (most?) circumstances looking on the bright side is a good idea, but in others is it not tantamount to self-delution? For example if a couple is having a reoccuring conflict, wouldn’t ignoring it and focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship mean you don’t deal with the sources of that conflict?
Is the idea of there being “permanent flaws in their partner’s character” totally off the table?
March 3, 2011 at 10:28 am
self-delution = self-delusion.
March 4, 2011 at 7:39 pm
I think it depends largely on how much you want to stay married. There are certainly reasons why you might want to divorce, but most people end up there accidentally. Fixating on the dark side is one of the ways men tend to do that.
March 3, 2011 at 7:45 pm
Hopefully you know that before you marry them.
March 5, 2011 at 8:36 am
I keep thinking about the idea of “permanent flaws”. If “flaw” means a trait that this person has had all their life that is annoying or causes bad things to happen both to themselves and others, I believe that they can be overcome with therapy or religion or some kind of self-help program. So, if the person is willing to do the work to change, their traits aren’t permanent. Also, I’ve noticed that personality traits often mellow with age (maturity). And then there’s looking at the bright side. For example, my husband’s endless shmoozing and shoptalking drove me crazy for years. However, I’ve learned to be philosophical about this behavior after realizing that those qualities have brought so much good to our family. Basically, he has supported us with the work he’s gotten through hobnobbing. Therefore, I appreciate these qualities now and our marriage is stronger for my appreciation.