A while ago I wrote a list of things that almost always make me happy, so I thought I should make a list of things that almost always make me unhappy. For symmetry, you know? In no particular order:
All things “scented”: soaps, lotions, deodorants, colognes, candles, cleaning products etc. I like the smell of roses, hate the smell of rose-scented soap.
Small talk: Please do not talk to me about things that you are not actually interested in.
Unripe fruit: I would much rather not eat a banana than eat a green banana.
Unsalted butter and peanut butter: In these cases, unsalted is often better than nothing, but generally disappointing.
Buying airline tickets. Or, really, buying any pretty expensive item that might not work out as I’d hoped.
Shoes that are the slightest bit uncomfortable in any way. Don’t tell me that they will break in. That’s the line of a lazy and/or evil shoe salesman.
The hard sell. This is the only real downside to being nice–you become a target.
Unpleasant sensations, especially pain, nausea, and cold feet.
Injuries that do not heal or that take a long time to heal.
Bigotry.
Spots on my camera lens that I cannot remove.
Not being able to see the stars for man-made reasons.
Packaging of most kinds.
Dust jackets for books. They are supposed to protect the book from dust? All they do for me is give me another, more fragile, thing to try to keep nice looking.
Being helpless in the face of injustice on any scale.
Bad food, especially Amtrak, airline cuisine.
Almost made the list: mild and sharp cheddar.
July 10, 2010 at 7:01 am
But, you do like medium cheddar? And if you don’t like cold feet, maybe you should stop icing your feet. Does this mean I need to stop burning those caramel-smelling candles at Christmas-time? I love those!
July 10, 2010 at 8:50 pm
Hi Mom,
Yes, I love medium cheddar. I buy it two pounds at a time.
I don’t remember the caramel-scented candles, so they must not have peeved me.
Love,
Nathen
July 10, 2010 at 12:24 pm
The next step is to find the axis of symmetry: things that make you feel nothing.
July 10, 2010 at 12:25 pm
or more precisely, neither good nor bad.
July 10, 2010 at 8:52 pm
Excellent idea! The problem is, those things don’t hit my radar very strongly, by definition. I’ll have to pay close attention.
July 10, 2010 at 3:52 pm
Nathen!
I am hoping that you are going to interpret this comment, rude though it may be, as a sign of Susannah’s recovery/my increase in free time.
(1) Unsalted butter is all about intentionality. It is the division of the butter and the salt as separate areas of intent. Unsalted butter wants you to define your own reality. Salted butter is trying to sell you a line.
(2) I’m down with pain. But I totally agree with you about scented stuff. Up until last week, we were living near Yankee Candle, which I believe is the devil’s tool: all they do is add horrible scents into the world….
(3) Packaging, small talk, bad food, light pollution, and airline tickets all suck.
(4) I kind of love the hard sell. I used to work for Evangelical Christians, and they were allthetime trying to convert me, and it became a kind of fun, quasi-masochistic exercise. And then, years later, one of my housemates brought home a wildly drunk lesbian/punk/ex-navy-vet who went into this whole diatribe in the middle of our very mild-mannered dinner party. I remember her saying “the priests were all, like, ‘you got to suck on the Jesus’ and I was saying ‘No! I will not suck your Jesus!’
Ummmm.
July 10, 2010 at 9:02 pm
Good to hear from you, Ethan!
I get the thing about salting my own butter as defining my own reality, but I just never find that I want an unsalted-butter reality, so it just makes creating my preferred reality more complicated to achieve.
We’ll have to have a conversation about pain and the hard sell. Will you be at Not Back to School Camp Vermont this year? I’ll be at first session.
Nathen