criticism
Archived Posts from this Category
April 17, 2011
John Gottman on Contempt, Idiots, Maniacs
Posted by Nathen under contempt, criticism, four horsemen of the apocalypse, George Carlin, John Gottman, marriage, videoLeave a Comment
January 10, 2011
Six Easy Ways to Turn a Complaint Into a Criticism
Posted by Nathen under complaints, Couples and Family Therapy, criticism, four horsemen of the apocalypse, John GottmanLeave a Comment
It is very important to be able to complain in your relationship. The sooner the better, in most cases, before it festers. There are more and less skillful ways to bring a complaint, of course, but do the best you can. If your complaint crosses the line into criticism, though, you are doing something that, according to John Gottman, is toxic to your relationship. Criticism is one of his “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” for relationships. Everyone does it, but the less the better, and some kind of repair is in order when you do.
Criticism is a negative, global statement, often about someone’s character or history. It brings out defensiveness (another of the Four Horsemen) because it is an attack. Any complaint can easily be turned into a criticism. Here are some of Gottman’s observations about how we do it:
Start a complaint with “You always…”
Start a complaint with “You never…”
Start a complaint with “The problem with you is…”
After a complaint, ask “How can you treat me this way?”
After a complaint, ask “Why would you do a thing like that?”
After a complaint, ask “What is wrong with you?”
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